Saved from Divorce by Amazing Grace (Part 2)
On discouragement, marriage counselling, conflict resolution, patient love, & retirement.
Welcome to Letters From Heidi, a refuge for truth seekers, deep-feelers, and the homesick searching for Eternity.
I am Heidi, an Asian-Australian woman writing on life, theology, pop culture, and the immigrant family experience. Learn the story behind Letters From Heidi here, or subscribe to never miss a post.
Dear reader,
In this month’s letter, I am pleased to share part two of my parents’ story, Saved From Divorce by Amazing Grace. Translated from Cantonese to English, this letter addresses their journey with marriage counselling, learning to communicate, conflict resolution, and transitioning to retirement and the empty nest.
If you missed part one, you can catch up on it here:
Before I begin, I would like to thank Joanna F. (Founding Member), , and Charissa S. for the gift of a paid subscription. Thank you also to Helen K., Serene K., and for tipping my June letter, Saved From Divorce by Amazing Grace (part one) with a coffee. Your generosity helps this Writer Mum immensely!
Saved From Divorce By Amazing Grace (Part 2)
At one point in my life, I avoided testimonies of transformation, because I was so discouraged by my own circumstances. I wondered why God would show favour to certain people, while ignoring my cries for healing and help.
When hearing testimonies of salvation and deliverance, there may be a temptation to focus on the positive outcome, while ignoring the many active yet uncomfortable steps that were made along the way by the believer. I say this because I do not want my parents’ story to paint an unrealistic picture of the Christian life. Faith in God will not make you immune to pain, and for some of us, healing will not come in this lifetime.
While my parents were saved from divorce, the process of reconciliation took time and effort. God didn’t zap my household with butterflies and rainbows after a single prayer. Instead, He gave my parents the humility and faith to make uncomfortable and sometimes painful decisions. The process of rebuilding and repentance spanned over a decade as they both learned to trust in God’s word and to accept help from the local church and mental health services.
In doing so, a miracle was born.
God began to heal the generational trauma passed down to them from childhood; harmful patterns which were repeated in marriage and the household I was born into. This process wasn’t neat and tidy, rather it came with many bumps and dips requiring patience and trust. I often remind myself that yes, our God can move mountains, but more often than not, He chooses instead to give us the strength to climb. In a world demanding instant gratification and quick fixes, perhaps our enduring faith is the greater miracle.
This is part two of their story…
The Essential Ingredient: Patience
This year, my parents celebrate thirty-seven years of marriage and they agree that patience is the essential ingredient to where they are today. This shouldn’t be a surprise, since “patience” is the very first descriptor of biblical and godly love.
“Love is patient, love is kind,” explains my dad, citing his favourite Bible verse from 1 Corinthians 13:4.
“No one is perfect, so we need to be patient with one another, and trust that God can change even the ugliest parts of the other person.”
“To love like God is to be committed to both the good and bad of your spouse.”
With the encouragement of peers from a local church, my parents bravely accepted the offer of marriage counselling and signed up to attend a marriage retreat. The three-day program guided them through major conflicts, so that they could return home with a mutual commitment to rebuilding their marriage with patience and grace.
Their prayers and commitment towards patient love opened new pathways for constructive conversation. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, however over time, my parents have learned to speak to one another with honesty, empathy, and good humour when it arises.
My dad admits that my mother has been an extraordinary example of gentleness and kindness, and that she has taught him to engage with others in the same way.
“Your mum has showed me the value of a quiet and gentle spirit, and in turn, I have learned to speak more respectfully as well,” he says.
“I now know that tone and facial expression can change the outcome of any conversation. I have learned to speak gently and to use good humour in conflict, so that we now can have a laugh after our arguments.”
Marriage counselling also helped my parents to engage with conflict in a helpful manner, so that the goal is loving reconciliation as opposed to figuring out who is right. They also learned that using the silent treatment in an argument will quickly destroy a marriage.
“We both know that arguing with a hot temper is not helpful, so we often used the silent treatment to cope,” my dad explained, “while the silent treatment helped us avoid arguments in the short term, it caused long-term damage to our marriage.”
“Your spouse cannot read your mind, so it is important to bring up the truth in a gentle manner and to ask clarifying questions so that the other person can also share how they really feel.”
In speaking of conflict, my mum acknowledges that not everyone can communicate clearly in the heat of the moment, and it may be difficult to remain calm and gentle.
“If you are someone that needs time and space to process during a conflict it may be beneficial to write down your feelings in a letter to share with your spouse,” my mum suggested.
Patience as New Converts
As new converts to Christianity, my parents saw a notable difference in their preferred spiritual disciplines and gifting. While my Dad really enjoyed studying and teaching the Bible, my mum found Scripture reading difficult and some theological concepts hard to accept straight away.
To this, my dad once again affirmed the need for patience for our spouse’s unique gifting and temperament, and to be understanding that God grows people differently and at different times.
“I can't get frustrated at Mum for not growing in the same way as me, or nag her for not reading her Bible enough,” my dad explained, “instead, I need to support what God is already doing in her, as opposed to expecting her to change as quickly as me.”
Due to my mum’s limited education, reading and comprehension is a difficult task, so she relies heavily on my dad and the local church to teach her sound theology.
“Recently Dad has been reading Ecclesiastes which has helped me to be more optimistic,” my mum explained, “I need to look at God's big picture for the world, instead of being overly focused on present financial challenges.”
Ecclesiastes is my dad’s favourite book and has been a source of hope for him upon retirement. While the book acknowledges the meaninglessness and brevity of life, it also speaks of the hope of eternity that Christians can enjoy. The book has also challenged his earthly fixation of pursuing wealth and success, noting that everything we possess will one day fade.
“I have learned ‘everything is meaningless’,” my dad explained, “so hyper-focusing on challenges relating to finances and career is also meaningless, because at the end of your life, it will have no value.”
“We can’t hold onto our money, awards, or possessions when we die,” he continued, “so while we are alive, we need to focus on what will matter for eternity, that is, our relationship with God and finding meaning in Him.”
As an immigrant who worked so hard to build up her life, my mum admits that this isn’t a concept she has fully grasped, and that it will take time for her to fully learn and accept.
Navigating the Empty Nest & Retirement
In 2012, my parents transitioned into empty-nesters. My dad retired and my mum scaled down to part-time hours. Without the responsibility of work and raising children, my dad began serving the gospel in volunteer capacities at his church, aged-care centres, and even flying interstate to evangelise to my late father-in-law (who was baptised at the age of 74).
“The best time to serve God is in retirement because you have so much time on your hands!" he says excitedly.
“Today, I taught the elderly at the aged-care centre how to use a smart phone,” my dad continued, “it may seem like a small gesture, but spending time to patiently teach the elderly new things is something they really appreciate.”
My dad believes that serving others is a big part of his retirement plan as it is a “calling from God” to do so.
“For as long as I have knowledge in my brain and time on my hands, I will serve God and help others," my dad explained, “if I wasn’t a Christian, I would just want to travel because frankly, I have worked my whole life and other people are not my business.”
My mother admits that she hasn't got a retirement plan in place but she wants to support my dad's plans. Unless a couple is on the same page, their plans will never succeed.
"Mum has always supported my ministry at church,” my dad explained glowingly, “I wouldn’t be able to do what I do, without Mum’s support.”
When asked if they had any final words for young couples, my dad emphasised the importance of having right expectations and following God's intentions for marriage.
“Marrying a Christian person will not guarantee a happy marriage,” he explained, “the health of your marriage will be dependent on your willingness to follow God and to love each other His way.”
Eternity’s Hope
I write and share stories because in the busyness and pressures of everyday life, it can be easy to forget what God has done. As I watched my parents retell their stories with tears and laughter, I was reminded, once again that God’s word is truly living and active—powerful to save even the worst of wretches, and to bring light to darkness with resurrection hope.
In saying this, I know that we live in a fallen world, and not everyone is guaranteed the same miracle in this lifetime. For many of my readers, relational hurt and generational trauma still exists, and the conversion of family members may seem impossible.
While God may not guarantee us miracles, I believe testimony is a powerful witness. It is my prayer that my stories can inject hope to a hurting world—to show what’s possible in this lifetime, and what is guaranteed in Eternity. Your earthly pain and suffering is not meaningless, because with God, redemption is not only possible—it has been promised:
“God will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelation 21:4
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Such a sweet and encouraging story! And the pictures of your parents are the "icing on the cake" - you can see their love for each other and their inner peace and joy. Thanks for sharing this.