Saved From Divorce by Amazing Grace (Part 1)
How discovering God's grace saved my parent's marriage.
Welcome to Letters From Heidi, a refuge for truth seekers, deep-feelers, and the homesick searching for Eternity.
I am Heidi, an Asian-Australian woman writing on life, faith, pop culture, and the immigrant family experience. Learn the story behind Letters From Heidi here, or subscribe to never miss a post.
Dear reader,
Over the years, I have written extensively about my strained relationship with my dad, and how the gospel empowered empathy and reconciliation between us. I am humbled that these stories have connected me with readers around the world, and that some of you have even initiated reconciliation and honest conversations with your own parents.
In this month’s letter, I’m pleased to share another true story of radical reconciliation—God’s saving of my parent’s marriage. With their generous permission, here’s part one of their story which I’ve translated from Cantonese to English.
Before I begin, I would like to quickly thank Mel & James T. (Founding Members) and Apar for the gift of a paid subscription. Thank you also to Lesley L. and Jordan L. for tipping my May letter, I Met My Younger Self for Coffee with a coffee. Your generosity helps this Writer Mum immensely! :)
Saved From Divorce By Amazing Grace
My church family had gathered for the night to celebrate its tenth birthday, and my parents had flown in to join in this milestone. The celebration had been silenced by a performance of Amazing Grace—a breathtaking harmony of keys and vocals, English and Korean, beauty and truth. In a darkened corner hidden from view, my dad began to weep.
It’s rarely acknowledged that ten years ago, my parents also made sacrifices for the mission. They too had to let go of their hopes of proximity to me and any future grandchildren. They had to accept that I would trade career progression for theological study and church ministry. They had to approve of a son-in-law who would give up a career in law to church plant.
For my dad who once valued filial piety and financial security, he had to learn to trust in God’s provision and to surrender the future into His hands. It wasn’t easy for my parents to say goodbye, but not once in the last ten years have they made me feel guilty for my choices. Instead, they have been a pillar of prayer, encouragement, and support from afar.
It wasn’t always this way.
Dad once shared on my 21st birthday that Amazing Grace was his favourite hymn, and that it would always remind him of me; of Us. The truth is, our story didn’t begin with unity and blessing. For many years, I longed for a warm and peaceful home—a wish which soon evaporated with time.
Why would God hear my prayers?
We were all too far gone.
(or so I thought)
In the car ride home, Dad shared that as soon as he heard the first few lines of Amazing Grace, he was flooded by a lifetime of memories. No stranger to abandonment, poverty, and heartache; he confessed that life’s valleys brought him to Jesus, and in Christ, he is truly blessed.
I used the opportunity to ask my parents what they thought life would look like today, if they had never met Jesus.
“Probably divorced,” they admitted with a chuckle, “there was nothing to keep us together once you and your brother moved out from home.”
A ‘Bizarre’ Beginning
It is hard to believe that my parents were once young and naive strangers, who met and fell in love. When recalling first impressions and how they started dating, they shared their story with embarrassment and tears of laughter.
"I thought your dad was strange and immature,” my mum confessed, “and he talked way too much.”
"I was at a BBQ when I spotted a grown man playing ‘The Eagle & The Mother Hen’ with a group of small children,” Mum continued, “I thought your dad was odd and having way too much fun.”
Dad interrupts her story, lamenting his first few years in Australia after immigrating from Hong Kong.
"I played with young children because I was that lonely and desperate for company,” Dad explained, “It was hard not having friends who could speak Cantonese.”
Although my Dad failed to make a good first impression, it was his boyish charm and good looks which prompted a whirlwind romance. My mum recalls that it was my dad who made the first move in ‘bizarre’ circumstances. They were at a mahjong party when suddenly, a game was announced which required the lights to be turned off and everyone to be lying on the floor.
"Your dad laid next to me,” my mum explained with a laugh, “and suddenly grabbed my hand!”
“In that moment, I couldn't resist his advances because I thought he was very good looking!” she continued with tears of laughter.
Conveniently, my dad has no recollection of this moment.
A ‘Nightmare’ Marriage
After dating for three years and saving enough money for a wedding ceremony, my parents joined hands in marriage in January, 1988. Young and wide-eyed, they dreamed of romance, fun and adventure; but their plans were quickly dashed by an unexpected pregnancy, only two months into marriage.
I was born in December 1988—a time where the Australian interest rate hit an all-time high of 17% per annum. My parents had planned to spend five years working hard to pay off as much of their home loan as possible. Only until they felt financially stable, did they plan to start a family. Once I was born, my parents collectively took on four jobs to cover bills, while my maternal grandmother (Por Por) quit hers to raise me full-time.
“Pregnancy was very difficult for me,” explained my mum, “I vomited the entire nine months, and worked full-time until I gave birth.”
“At times I would be so tired, I would crawl and hide under my desk for a nap.”
My dad shared that choosing to continue with the pregnancy put pressure on the marriage because they were already struggling to make ends meet. Like many blue collar immigrants, my dad had no choice but to bear the brunt of hard and cheap labour; hustling three jobs to provide for his wife and children. As even the weekends were reserved for work, my dad explained that quality time with his wife quickly evaporated.
“Every waking moment was spent at work,” my dad laments, “after one job finished, I would take a quick nap, and attend to the next one.”
Their marriage also faced internal pressure from in-laws. As the Golden Child and only son, my dad was prized and cherished. For many years, my mum was unable to gain the approval of a harsh and critical mother-in-law. Although my dad prioritised my mum while they were dating, in marriage, he would put his mother first out of filial piety. Bullied by her mother-in-law and dismissed by her husband, the pressures my mum faced in marriage left her feeling depressed—a burden she carried in private for many years.
Although heavily pregnant and working full-time, my mum was still expected to serve and cook for my dad’s extended family—a party of 9—every single evening. Once married, every aspect of her life was suddenly monitored and controlled by others, so that she felt the loss of her voice and freedom. Despite all that she did to serve others, she continued to face unfair criticism and unreasonable expectations from an in-law who couldn’t be pleased.
My dad was aware of the rift between his wife and mother, and admitted that he could have managed things very differently.
"At first I didn’t know how to manage the conflict,” my dad admits, “so I always stood on my mother’s side.”
“I would get so angry at Mum for not being filial and for disagreeing with my mother, but this was very wrong of me.”
Filial piety is a traditional virtue in many East Asian cultures and emphasises unconditional respect, obedience, and care for one’s parents and elders. Raised by a single mother in extreme poverty, my dad took this commitment very seriously, even if it meant sacrificing his own desires and happiness for the sake of his mother. It is only in retrospect that he can see that he took filial piety too far, and that in doing so, enabled harm against my mum.
One remarkable thing about my mum is that despite mistreatment, she never complained or retaliated in public. In fact, growing up, I can’t say I ever saw her angry or losing her cool. Quiet and gentle by nature, my mum has always been a true stoic, displaying emotional resilience and radical acceptance in even the hardest of circumstances.
"I tolerated everything because in the end, I was the one who chose to marry your dad,” she explains, “I had to treat my in-law as my own mother, regardless of whether she accepted me as a daughter.”
Parenting Woes
From my mum’s perspective, the nightmare worsened when my brother and I started school, and my dad became increasingly controlling as a parent. She didn’t approve of my dad’s use of anger, criticism, and threats to coerce my brother and I into obedience—something modelled to him from his own childhood in Hong Kong.
While my mum understands filial piety and knows to unconditionally respect her elders, she treated my brother and I with a less traditional approach. From her perspective, children will obey their parents once they have learned to respect them. Respect for parents is important, but it must also be earned.
“Parents should not scare children into obedience,” my mum explained, “instead we need to use love and patience to earn our children’s respect.”
In recalling my childhood, my mum admits that she knew that I was unhappy, and that my dad's expectations led to a suffocating home environment.
"Every night after dinner, you were expected to hand wash all the dishes and then to assemble at the table for homework,” she recalled, “home was not a place of rest and you didn't have any freedom after school or during the school holidays."
With a look of pained regret, my dad admitted that his parenting methods were wrong, and that if he could change the past he would. Now that I am a mother myself, I can make sense of his decisions. Without a loving father in his own life, he had no language, guidance, or resources for parenting well. Instead, he repeated what he experienced in his own home and during his schooling in Hong Kong in the 1960’s.
"In Hong Kong, students use the holidays to do extra homework and to prepare for next year,” he explains “I worked you so hard because I wanted to set you up with a future free from struggle and poverty. I know now I did it the wrong way.”
From Regret to Redemption
My mum admits that it only took a few months into marriage before regret set in and she started thinking about divorce, however, once she fell pregnant she made the commitment to tough it out for my sake.
"I can admit that the early years were unbearable and I regretted my decision to marry your dad,” she explains, “he was a proud and inflexible man who thought he was always right, but things began to change when he became a Christian.”
For my parents, the decision to follow Jesus required them to take a hard look at their values and worldview, and to see if they aligned with the Bible’s teachings on marriage, family and parenting; as well as God’s definition of love, obedience, and respect. While culture and tradition is important, they wanted to wholeheartedly submit to Jesus’ teachings and to trust that God’s way is best.
“Your dad completely changed when he became a Christian,” mum confessed with a proud smile.
“The Bible says that ‘love is patient’ and Dad keeps this verse in his heart,” she continued, “now whenever we face conflict, he remembers this verse and considers how he can love and sacrifice for others.”
While most people become more stubborn and inflexible with age, my mum witnessed the opposite, and that my dad was becoming more humble, teachable, and softer with time. She credits the change to a “miracle” from God, and that the Holy Spirit humbled my dad to not only read God’s word, but to live by it.
"I think there are many people who have a lot of Bible knowledge and can rehearse Bible verses, but they don't practice what they preach,” my mum explained, “Dad may not have perfect Bible knowledge, but he really tries to put into action what he hears.”
After attending church on Sundays, my dad would spend time meditating deeply on Scripture, consider its relevance to his own life, and make necessary changes. This process of learning and repentance is what inspired him to reconcile with people he had hurt, and to admit the error of his ways.
My dad admits that even before knowing God, my mum has always possessed a gentle and humble spirit, however, once she began learning from Scripture, she grew in wisdom and peace-making.
“Mum is very wise and sometimes I wonder if she can read minds,” he admits, “she always knew exactly what to do to help me reconcile with you and your brother.”
In hearing this, my mum was quick to credit the power of prayer as the source of her newfound wisdom.
"No matter what I do, I always pray first, and ask God to give me strength and wisdom," she says.
Through my dad’s daily transformation, my mum saw big improvements in her marriage and mental health, and soon our home became a place of unity, rest, and peace.
"For so long, I tolerated and repressed all my unhappiness, but after Dad became a Christian and apologised to all of us, I began to enjoy marriage and saw it improve year by year,” she admitted glowingly.
People who now know my dad find it hard to believe that he was once such a different man, husband, and father. Although he comes from a world where exposing weakness as a man is shameful and taboo, he strives to be open about past mistakes with the hope to inspire other men to open up, and to find transformation in the God of amazing grace.
“No man or parent is perfect,” he says, “but I hope that by sharing our story, we can help other families who are struggling.”
I once wrote that grace is sweeter, more amazing, when you have known grief and regret. I think this sentiment echoes through my dad’s favourite hymn, and why each time we hear it, we remember our past lives and feel so infinitely blessed.
Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost,
but now I’m found
was blind but now I see.
Subscribe and stay tuned for part two! In next month’s letter I will share the rest of the interview covering the following topics:
Grace & patience in marriage
Kindness in communication
Navigating the empty nest and retirement
How my mum won her in-law’s approval
My personal reflections :)
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Let’s Chat!
Use these prompts for personal reflection or discussion in the comments below:
How has ‘amazing grace’ empowered reconciliation, restoration, and rebuilding in your own life?
In what ways has Scripture helped your family to address intergenerational trauma?
Are your cultural values, norms, and traditions aligned with God’s word and commands? If not, what needs to change?
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From the Archives
Loved this post? Learn more of my family’s story in these mini memoirs:
Thank you Lord for rescuing this family.
Loved this Heidi. Thanks to you and your parents for sharing their story and praise to God!