Unmasking the Prodigal Daughter
How an act of love unmasked my shame and empowered me to value openness, honesty, and confession.
Welcome to Letters From Heidi, a refuge for truth seekers, deep-feelers, and the homesick searching for Eternity.
I am Heidi, an Asian-Australian woman who writes stories and essays on life, faith, pop culture, and the immigrant family experience. If you are a new reader, you can learn the story behind Letters From Heidi here, or subscribe to never miss a post!
Dear friend,
This month I am offering another preview of my writing project, covering a theme that I am passionate about: God’s unfailing love for the lost. You will get insight into my heart as a Prodigal Daughter who ran away from the church out of fear and shame. Likewise, you will learn how the gospel of grace unmasked my shame and empowered me to value openness, honesty, and confession.
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“Heidi Tai is one of my favorite young writers. Not only is she an exceptionally gifted wordsmith, but she also skillfully combines theological acumen with cultural reflection.”
Tim Challies, Author & Blogger at Challies.com and ‘Letters From Heidi’ Founding Member
Unmasking the Prodigal Daughter
For the longest time, I was uncomfortable with sustained eye-contact. I found the gaze of others exposing and uncomfortable—as though if they looked long enough they would see too much, and be repelled by what was there. My earliest experiences with rejection taught me that proximity was too revealing of my humanity, and that my truest self—with all my baggage and hurt—had no safe place to go.
Laughing loud and partying hard, I learned to hold people at arm’s length. The Class Clown and social butterfly, I jumped from one relationship to another—learning to cover my tracks with masks and white lies. As my secrets began to build, I became convinced that if my true self was ever exposed, I would be completely abandoned.
I remember the morning I rocked up to school with eyes swollen and bruised from the tears shed in private the night before. I didn’t want to be at school, but I also had nowhere else to go. My friends showed concern, but I couldn’t bear to be honest. I turned my pain into a joke, telling a watching world that I was suffering an allergic reaction from a piece of fruit. We laughed about it.
I didn’t know it back then, but I grew up fearing vulnerability more than death itself. The combination of my Honour-Shame culture, an immigrant upbringing, and being the eldest daughter meant that I was conditioned to repress and hide; be strong and survive. Instead of honest confession and confronting the truth in love, I learned to sweep what was ugly and unacceptable under the rug (along with my ancestor’s secrets). After all, we had appearances to maintain—the soil in which my shame was birthed.
In his book Shame Interrupted, Ed Welch describes shame as:
“the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated…you are disgraced because you acted less than human, you were treated as if you were less than human, or you were associated with something less than human, and there are witnesses.”
I once saw life as a game of hide and seek because shame holds power. Research Professor Brené Brown, explains there is a difference between guilt and shame. According to Brown, guilt is a helpful emotion which enables us to identify and correct bad behaviour, while shame is a harmful emotion which convinces us to identify with it. In essence, you didn’t do bad; you are bad. You didn’t make a mistake; you are one. So while feelings of guilt empowers repentance and reconciliation, feelings of shame can be destructive and debilitating. After all, if ‘bad’ is who we are—how can we possibly change?
When I was 14 years old, I visited a Christian youth group for the first time and there I met my best friend, Jess. I had little interest in religion but I returned to church every Sunday to spend time with her. From the get-go, I knew she was a genuine Christian and wanted to live God’s way—something I didn’t mind at first, but then as always, my shame took over.
When high school finished, Jess started going on mission trips and making radical sacrifices for her faith. Meanwhile, I was falling deeper into a life of partying and promiscuity. Becoming seen and known for all the wrong reasons, I felt increasingly uncomfortable around the church, and my shame began to speak in ways that would drag me into hiding:
“Why would Jess want to be friends with someone like you?”
“You’re ruining your life, you don’t have to ruin hers too.”
“You don’t belong. Don’t make them look bad.”
Like always, I ran away. I stopped going to church and cut off my best friend. Doing so was painful, but having to face my shame every time I was around Christians was intolerable. I felt an intense need to protect myself from the threat of condemnation, while also protecting Jess from being dragged down from my disgrace. It’s only in retrospect that I can see and understand my habit of hiding, and how shame found a way to cripple all my relationships and commitments.
And yet, what I intentioned as an ending became a new beginning; a means for God to step in and to show me resurrection hope. Although I tried to run, Jess didn’t judge me. Instead, she came to my house to share why the gospel is good news. She reassured me that Jesus didn’t just come for the upper-class society with good morals; He came to seek and save the lost. This was her motivation to stand by me in my lostness. To be my friend, even if I was wandering in the darkness. In doing so, she showed me the heart of a God of mercy.
Have you ever expected condemnation and rejection, only to receive love and mercy? I have, and it’s transformative. It’s a snapshot of the gospel. That night, I felt remorse and regret, but not in a debilitating way. Jess’s words empowered me to turn to God and to ask Him to reveal Himself to me. For the first time, I believed that God was listening. This prayer kickstarted my faith journey. God lifted my spiritual blindness and helped me to see (and grieve) the error of my ways.
I began to gain self-awareness of the amount of people I had hurt in the process of hiding. That covering my tracks with secrets and lies was exhausting. That living with a guarded mindset did not lead to the safety and freedom that I had expected.
I also gained awareness of an important truth about God: I can’t hide from Him. While our loved ones may get a taste of our true selves, only God can claim to have all knowledge of our personhood - having first created us in the womb (Psalm 139:13) and having constant access to our innermost thoughts, desires, and motivations (Psalm 139:1-12). With God, there is no hiding behind first impressions and outward appearances—a divine all-knowingness termed God’s “omniscience”.
This truth of God’s omniscience was terrifying at first, until I also learned of His divine love and mercy. Yes, I can’t hide from God…but I don’t need to. God sees and knows us fully…but he also loves us completely. In fact, the safe space that I have searched for; the unconditional love that I have yearned for, is demonstrated at the cross: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
God knows the reasons for our shame, but instead of condemning us, he demonstrates at the cross a love that is unfailing, unconditional, unwavering and undeserved. This gospel, if truly understood, will free us from both crushing worthlessness and defensive self-righteousness—attitudes that prevent us from true repentance and showing up before God and others as we truly are.
Pastor Tim Keller puts it this way:
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
I believe that my heart became hardened by fear and shame because I never tasted the freedom of being fully known and truly loved. This was partly from my experiences with rejection, but also my own pride in wanting to keep up appearances. The more I understand God’s love for me in the gospel, the more I have learned to value openness, honesty, and confession. I have learned that there is nothing I can possibly share with God that will shock or embarrass Him. I can ask God for help. I can accept weakness and ask for change. In Christ, I can let my guard down because I am fully loved and accepted in spite of my hurt and baggage. Knowing this, gives me courage to be open with others, and to love them the same.
Over the years, I have learned that I am not the only one who struggles with the habit of hiding. Whether you relate to the Prodigals who flee from the community out of guilt and shame, or the religious elite hiding behind a fortress of knowledge and good works, we all struggle to a degree, of being completely known. We wear masks and build walls because we are familiar with the fear associated with failure, rejection, condemnation, and cancellation.
I didn’t just publish this letter for your pagan neighbour who clearly needs Jesus. If you’re reading this letter, these words are also for you. When was the last time you asked God to search and know your heart? When was the last time you confessed your offensive ways? Does knowing the gospel stir your heart towards love and repentance, or striving and self-righteousness? Deep down, do you also fear cancellation and condemnation—you’re just better than me at following rules and blending in?
I believe shame speaks to all of us in different ways - and it’s both destructive and debilitating. Are you exhausted from hiding? Are you tired of your striving to be perfect? Are you weary of the insecurities that make you swing between crushing worthlessness and defensive self-righteousness? Are you wanting to grow in honesty and vulnerability before God and others?
Perhaps the first step is to pray with the Psalmist for self-awareness, and for the courage to face the truth of your humanity:
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)
This is not an easy prayer. Sometimes, the truth hurts. But no matter who you are or what you have done, trust that God’s gaze upon us is loving and merciful. He will never reject a humble heart. The next time shame threatens to drag you into hiding, remember God’s unfailing love and rest in the promises of your merciful Saviour: “Your sins are forgiven." (Luke 7:48)
Friend, it’s time to stop hiding, and in Christ, you can.
Did this post speak to you? I value every message and comment so feel free to leave feedback in the comments below!
Warm & Fuzzies
Letters From Heidi is a reader supported publication. Thank you (Founding Member), Jonathan Q. (Founding Member), and for the generous gift of a paid subscription since my last letter, Stop & Smell the Sunrise. Your gift enables my writing and helps me to keep this publication free for all to access.
GOD IS LOVE - Etsy Download Package
GOD IS LOVE is an invitation to ground your heart in a love that is unchanging, unconditional, unwavering, and undeserved; a call to find courage to love others the same.
Written and designed by Heidi Tai, this digital download will prompt you to begin each day meditating on God's unconditional love with scripture, poetry, and prose. The bundle includes three designs in three colours, and an excerpt from Heidi's published prose, "Love is No Longer my God" which was inspired by Romans 5:8.
Purchase this digital download package on my Etsy. Use code FEBLETTER25 for 25% off all my digital downloads in February.
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I feel blessed to have known you as the loveable "class clown" and to be reconnected with you all these years later. This was a beautiful and inspiring read, Heidi ❤️
By far one of my favorite Tim Keller quotes. Powerful words Heidi. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably about vulnerability and how desperately we need it. We no longer have to hide, we can rest in the loving arms of Christ. Beautiful ❤️